How to Take Responsibility for Your Life
I’ve been thinking a lot recently about what it means to take radical responsibility for my life.
The alternative is playing the victim, which is all about blaming someone else for my experience, which means I’m transferring my power outside of myself.
Blame is a way of shifting responsibility to some external factor or person, and basing what I can or cannot do, feel, or experience on someone or something outside of myself - whether that’s a boss, a parent, roommate, government, my current financial status, or any other group, individual, situation, or whatever. And it sucks.
Playing the victim is a shitty way to live, and I know because for so long I had been entrenched in this victim mindset, and I was constantly looking for someone to save me. If only I had more money, then I can go traveling. If only Mr. Right will show up and love me the way I want, then I’ll be happy. If only I get the car, the house, the [fill in the blank] then everything will be alright and then my life will be great.
Well, that’s bullshit.
Granted, there can always be some slivers of truths in these statements, like a grain of rice inside a piece of dog poo, but overall it’s still a shitty way of thinking. It’s the kind of thinking that leads us to our deathbeds riding a tidal wave of sour regrets.
The antidote to playing the victim is deciding to 100% take responsibility for my experience. Now, that does not and won’t ever mean I can control what happens to me, what other people do, or change the past events of what actually did happen. But it does mean certain things.
Here’s what I’m thinking of what it means to take radical responsibility for my experience of life:
I commit to figuring shit out. I don’t settle for “I don’t know how” as an answer
I show/take initiative
I don’t wait for someone else to lead the way. I seek and find the way
I take the lead to accomplish the task
I make the effort; I put forth the energy aka I get my ass off the couch and do what I need to do
I don’t make excuses why I can’t
I cultivate the belief it can be done
I am flexible and adaptable to what comes my way
I cultivate the belief that everything is working in my favor, even if I don’t understand how by outward appearances
I act as if it’s happening for me, not to me
I don’t let disappointments and setbacks permanently derail me
I recognize that everything is temporary, constantly changing and that I am an eternal being who may change form but cannot be extinguished, so even discomfort is a temporary sensation that will pass
I practice acceptance and I don’t throw temper tantrums when I don’t get my way
I don’t give up because it’s challenging
I face my challenges with optimism and the faith I can overcome them
I set strong boundaries for myself and don’t stay loyal to abusive situations
I am willing to use my pain as fuel to ignite my engine forward, rather than as an excuse to numb myself
I don’t hide or numb to avoid the shit
I accept life as it is, not as I want it to be
I think in terms of solutions, not just wallowing in the problem
I acknowledge my limits and am willing to ask for support to overcome my challenges
I bravely face the consequences of my choices
I am willing to let go of the old stories that keep me wallowing in a lower vibration
I am willing to look at my own behaviors and consider how I contributed towards creating the situation I don’t like
I stop complaining to anyone who will listen
I stop finding fault and judging things like it’s my job
I get curious about how things will work out, instead of being afraid they won’t
I focus on what I have to be grateful for instead of what I have to complain about
I practice meditation to help me train my mind so I can recognize my thought patterns instead of getting taken hostage by them
I recognize when my thoughts are turning outward and looking to find fault, judge, or blame anything outside of myself, and I practice bringing them back to center, to the moment, to my breath, to my gratitude
I look for the blessings within each experience, and I choose to be patient as those silver linings are revealed
I am honest about my needs and I figure out ways of meeting my needs without waiting or depending on another person to do it for me
I let go of the idea that anyone owes me anything (that’s called “entitlement,” friends)
I recognize when other people are triggering me and make the excavation into myself to see what it’s really about, and what limiting belief(s) within me it’s pointing to, instead of blaming them for pissing me off
I recognize what I really want and I figure out a way to consciously give myself some version of that, rather than getting it through some weird unconscious way
I surrender from moment to moment and allow the Universe to show me the way, letting go of my expectations of how I think things “should” be
And personally, I like to pray: “Spirit, change me on the inside so I’m not so bothered by things that happen on the outside” because if I accept the adage “as within so without” then I understand profoundly that to truly transform my life is all about an inner shift.
Take, for example, my decision to go to India for 6 months back in 2014.
At the time, I could not afford it, and I struggled at first to even believe it was possible. But my heart was calling me there and I had to listen or else I would die inside. So instead of making excuses why I couldn’t afford it, I buckled down and worked on believing. I made loud affirmations and declarations to the Universe that I was going.
I faced my fears that it wouldn’t work out, or that I’d go broke or get hurt. I didn’t wait for anyone to give me permission or even approve of my choice. I was going for it. I had to find a way, come hell or high water.
I doubled down on my work as a headshot photographer in Boston. I learned new ways of marketing myself. I started reaching out to more people, seeking more work and opportunities to make more money. I educated myself on how to start a video blog on Youtube, sometimes staying up as late as 4 am watching tutorials to learn how to do it. I even moved out of my apartment to save on rent money and crashed on the floor of my photography studio (which, at other times for future trips I would make, was friend’s and family’s couches and guestrooms).
Things did not go as I had expected - I thought I was going to have to crowdfund my trip, which is why I started so feverishly and authentically telling my story through a daily 1 min vlog on Youtube, but in fact, other things happened that I never even expected, and shortly before my 29th birthday I boarded the plane to India and spent the next 6 months of my life exploring India. And it happened because I made it happen and I let it happen.
And you can see, by taking responsibility for my experience and finding a way to afford to go to India for six months, the path that it put me on led me into the career as a video blogger today, seven years later. Which I did not at all expect at the time. All I knew was that I had to find a way to go where my heart was calling me.
So I think it comes down to a personal agreement to taking responsibility for having the kind of life and experiences I want to have. If things don’t go my way, I might complain for a hot second because that’s my programming, but the practice is to wake up. The practice is set my sights on the horizon of what I want to experience, and then to shift my inner dialogue away from blame, shame, fault-finding, control, and fear, and start consciously shifting my mind towards gratitude, acceptance, willingness, curiosity, possibility, receptivity and surrender.
In that state, the river of life can take me. In this state straddling the paradox between active participation and surrender, I can walk the path that leads me to where I’m really meant to go - into a life where I feel happy, open, and free, living my life as it’s meant to be.
